Seoul took away my Soul.

Disclaimer: KPOP long post incoming!

Stress and depression have become my best friends since the pandemic started. At times, I would feel so sad, lonely mostly, and just overthinking about anything. I know that it has changed my mental health negatively. There were times when I cried out of the blue. Sometimes, I'd weep after looking away for a while. And I'd feel so heavy in my chest.

I left my job three months after the lock-down in Manila. At first, I thought I can still survive working in the company but, it affects my mental health state. Someone told me to be thankful that I still manage to work and receive half of my salary. They even said that a lot of people struggle to make a living since it is lock-down. It was indeed a difficult time for me.

I couldn't help but think if I made the right or wise decision. At times, it made me feel like I was selfish to resign from work because I cared about myself more. But my mom was kind enough to understand my case and said that I made the right decision. I am thankful that my parents are pensioners. Their funds helped us with our daily expenses. Also, we were able to receive cash supports from the local government.

When I became out of work, somehow, it became a solution since we have another worry. My nephews and niece will enroll in an online school learning. We would need someone to look after them and tutor them. It was hard at first but, I thank God everything went smooth in the first two weeks, at least. I was recovering from my anxiety from the recent circumstance at work only to find myself enjoying tutoring.

I knew I needed to talk to someone, but I couldn't.

For years I have been venting out my struggles to my friends, so it somehow seemed uncomfortable telling them my problems at this age. I know that they are also facing some challenges, so hearing me whine pretty much is no sense.

My friends wouldn't probably say or mean that. It is of no doubt that they want me to open up to them. And not endure the pain and stress alone. But, I guess it's just all me.

I knew I still needed to do something so I won't resort to overthinking again. That's when I came back to my first love, music. At first, I tried listening to various OPM artists. I ended up not finishing their songs and look for others. I grew up listening to ballad OPMs & Bands. However, I find OPM these days mostly about heartbreak songs or "hugot" as we call it. So I searched for different artists. I even listened to classic ballad songs of Chicago, Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, Boyz II Men but, I feel like I needed to hear something that can cheer me up.

My niece, Jola introduced Blackpink to me. Their song "As If It Is Your Last" was the first song I liked. Just what I have mentioned, I needed to hear something cheerful. I found it in that song.

BLACKPINK - '마지막처럼 (AS IF IT'S YOUR LAST)' M/V

Since then, I listened to their songs, like literally all of their singles and mini albums. I even watch their live performances on Youtube. I downloaded their music videos and have them played on our television.

While I was browsing my Youtube homepage, which more or less full of Blackpink video suggestions, that's when I saw a suggested video of Tiffany Young. She had a short Korean Slang tutorial from Vanity Fair. (Tiffany Young Teaches You Korean Slang | Vanity Fair)

After seeing the video, I got interested in her and researched about her. That's when I found out that she's a member of the Girls' Generation.

The Korean Variety series called "Sister Slumdunk Season 1" (Sister's Slam Dunk | 언니들의 슬램덩크 – Ep.1) was a suggested video too. I watched the first episode. Not realizing how much I enjoyed it, I'm on the 16th episode (Sister's Slam Dunk | 언니들의 슬램덩크 – Ep.16) already that featured the debut of her so-called new girl group "Unnies."

Girls' Generation is known as South Korea's National Girl Group since they've had many achievements and represented K-Pop music to the world. I watched every music video and live performance. I listened to every song they released even the Japanese versions. For months of listening and watching them, my smartphone has now different playlists of GG- and that includes solo playlists for Tiffany and Taeyeon. They became my source of energy. Their songs cheer me up. I hope I won't get tired of listening to them. I hope to be a SONE forever.

Just when I thought I hated K-Pop, now I listen to K-Pop songs every day and night. As I was enjoying the songs of Girls' Generation and Blackpink, as a bonus, my brother (cousin) would put a Korean Film to watch almost every day since the lock-down. I guess that is how he relieves his stress from work. By the way, we both love films. Hayyy... As of now, I can only reminisce the times we went to film festivals or at cinemas. He has searched every recent and old Korean film to watch. One time, he put up a Japanese thriller film. He said he had no choice because we already watch every single Korean movie on his list.

That's when I felt like Seoul has taken me away.

My interest in the Korean culture increased and expanded at the same time. Now, I enrolled in an online Korean language learning hoping I'm doing well. I look forward to finding out more about the culture and learning the language fast. I wish a day would come when I can visit Seoul and shop some K-Pop albums and merch.