The Great Wall

At times, I think about my purpose in my family.

I remember telling myself not to have kids and look at them as an investment. I am not sure about the upbringing of other people from around the world. In my observation, most Filipino parents want their kids to finish school then get a job so they can return the favor for raising them. I disagree with that.

It is as if we wished to be born. Well, I am thankful for being alive though. That I get to live this life that God let me have. But sometimes, it is just really crazy in my head. I have tons of questions that I don’t get to ask or have answers to.

Growing up, I always hear my parents say about me working for the family and give them a good life when I get old. So somehow, it became my goal. Finish school, get a decent job, gave a portion of my earnings to them, save money, and probably buy a house or make an investment - all for them. But of course, as I grow, I encountered different people, environments, and things that can somehow change my views in life.

Things turned 360 after the incident my sister had almost 16 years ago. I was 14, and the first thing that I heard from my dad was, What happened? Where were you? Why didn’t you look after her? and I thought, Is he blaming me? For real? Honestly, it made a monumental impact on me. That is when everything changed. The goals that I had for myself changed because I had to stop looking so far for my future. At that time, what is important was the present time. As long as we can survive the day raising the kid (my nephew), things will be fine tomorrow. I could not help but cry while reminiscing those moments. Hayyy…

It was upsetting that time that I couldn't even buy Sarah Geronimo’s latest album or go to her shows and concerts like I used to. Our finances went tight. If you spend on something not essential, the budget will suffer (budget for food, utility bills, medicine for Mama and my nephew). My mom remained positive and faithful. She always tells me that no matter how tight our finances are, God will always provide. We never missed a meal, thank God. Even more grateful to have relatives who helped and supported us willingly.

Years went by not realizing the same mistake can happen.

There goes another baby, my niece. My mom got hurt after finding that my sister got pregnant again. It was too much for her that she was diagnosed with depression. We had to take her to the hospital and get everything she needed to get well. At that time, my father was working overseas. Since he was not here yet, he asked me to decide what we should do for my mom. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. Sadly, when he came home, he needed someone to blame, me. He asked me the same things. "Where were you? Why didn't you look after your mom? Why did this happen to her?" That's when I felt like being punished for a mistake or sin I am not aware of. I don't have any idea why he was like that to me. Was it because I looked strong? Did I look reliable? I don't know anymore.

2014 came with another incident. Sister got pregnant again. She never learns. She just never fu**'n learn. I don't know what she has that my dad just kept on supporting her. He never listens to my mom whenever this happens. Whenever my mom would suggest something to do to my sister he never listens. He always chooses his daughter over his wife.

It has been two years since I last talked to my sister. My sister chose another guy again, but this time over her kids. I remember when my mom asked her to leave the house, it was just a few months after when my dad had just easily given up asking if we can let her go back home since Christmas is coming. Sorry, but that's just a real BS. I took a stand not just for myself but for my mom and the kids. I explained everything to my dad why we didn't want her home yet. Glad he agreed.

Dad's home now and not working overseas. He stays with us, of course. But, we are going through so many adjustments. Even when he spends his month-long vacation yearly before, he wouldn't stay at home for long. He was always out with his friends or relatives. One thing I realized when he started staying with us, It will never be easy to understand each other since we have missed so many things from each other.

The adjustment period is killing us all. Even my mom got stressed as to how my dad acts now at home. I stopped talking to him when we once clashed because he thought I spent his pension funds to buy non-essential grocery items. Where I only bought everything that Mama wrote down on her grocery list. He blamed us for wasting the funds trying to buy the things we only like and do not need. Second, we clashed again because we both had different brand suggestions when we bought Mama her new refrigerator (after 20 years.) Third, when Mama and I repaired the wood ceiling of our bathroom. He told me that I don't have any idea about that thing. If you can only see it, it was dangerous already that it only has small wood support and anytime it could crash down. Then I asked him when is he planning to repair it? Is he going to wait until it had fallen? Then he said that I don't have respect for him anymore, that he was just holding himself back from hitting me. That Mama raised me without showing respect.

Finances are tight now. My dad's retirement fee was all gone from all our expenses. Believe it or not, since last year, around two months after I quit my job, I started to look for a job already but, I had no luck. Until now, I am still looking for a job. I have updated and sent my CVs to different companies but no reply. I'm still keeping my hopes up. Now, he's probably blaming me that we don't have any money left because I'm not working. Or maybe because I quit my job. Things are harder these days.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be if I were the one who got pregnant. Sorry, it's just getting crazy in my head.