I am a Unicorn

Jan 1, 2019
3 min read

2018 has been a crazy and tough ride for me. Nakakaloka ang mga ganaps sa life ko. But one thing still gives me that feeling of "kelan na ba?" "Mangyayari pa ba?" Kasi hindi ko na alam. I'm not getting any younger and as I go on with my life I realized, I suppose to be doing the things I won't regret doing in the future. Though I know I have to consider a lot of things and 'people', pero nakakapagod na. The truth is I don't even know if I still need to confirm it or not. But I know, I have to say it. I have to let people know about it.

That I'm gay. 🌈

I'm just really tired of hiding it to people who know the old me or the 'Mariz' they know. Or maybe those who know my family or my parents -- who've been so firm saying that I'm not gay whenever they're asked about me.

I have been judged many times because of my sexuality and my spiritual belief too. I guess the people who are close to me know that I attend a worship service that doesn't accept my being. But God knows, how much I tried, how many times and how hard I prayed that if being me is not on His will, then I really do pray for a change. For a change of heart to be specific. A change of mind -- a clear, right and peaceful mind. To lead me to the 'right' path. And I have been praying for those ever since I was in highschool. Right now, I know that what I need is to establish a stronger spiritual relationship with Him. And if people will continue to judge me, I don't care anymore.

My rainbow life has been so colorful these years. Minsan nga lang nagiging black and white especially at those interrupted (hundreds of) times for my supposed revelation -- sa family lalo or minsan kapag I was asked if may boyfriend ako or kelan ako magaasawa.. But I love how the 'hue' changes my very world. I have my reasons why it took me maybe 15 years to finally put the period in this part of my life's story but I can't share that right now. I have a novel-long life story of being a unicorn but of course I'm not writing it here.

At this point in my life, I do not seek acceptance. I just want people to know. My family to know.

Don't say that you accept me and yet you'd say na "that's okay, I accept you but you know you'll get through it" or "anu ka ba, it's just a phase of your life" or "okay lang yan, pero wag ka muna magsalita ng tapos, baka magbago ka pa" "yung iba nga e, nagkaboyfriend pa din" etc.. etc... Kaya nga I don't really expect for acceptance because I know, most of them are unreal. Thanks, but no thanks. Maybe hindi nga dapat magsalita ng tapos because I don't know what the future holds and so are you. This is me NOW and that is all I know.

I don't know if for others, coming out is still an issue or important but for me it is.

I really wish it was that easy; like how Anita told her mom that she loves Pilar. I really wish it was that easy.

Recently, a friend of mine shared his story of coming out. And I know he's been wanting to do it for years but he's scared. He's scared of what his family would say. But when the time came, he received the reactions and messages he's been longing for to have. He was accepted and loved even more. Tbh, I cried when he shared that story to me. Will it ever going happen to me? I hope so.

His story may not be my story, that's for sure. But I just want to hope for the best.

I look forward to 2019 with no more hiding, no more lies, no more hatred and just more love and understanding.

Cheers! 🙂 Happy New Year everyone. 🥂

P.S. I told my dad already. He said he accepts me. 🙂